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Adopt-A-Quote
Bridging the Adoption Experience
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A collection of feelings.... because adoption has a language all of its own.... Includes 300 adoption-related quotes, slogans, poems.... alphabetical by subject.... contributed by adoptees, parents, civil rights activists.... and adopters.... as well as famous people throughout history.
We do not choose the ideas we believe in...They choose us.
ADOPT-A-QUOTE
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PREFACE |
ILLEGITIMATES |
PREFACE
This book is a collection of feelings … as slogans, poems, quotes … mostly by those who have lived the adoption experience but also by famous civil rights activists, philosophers, poets, journalists, Supreme Court Justices, scholars and others who understand our issues. "Adopt-A-Quote" was compiled to provide the adoption community … and the non-adopted … with a bridge to understanding and sharing.
I have a son who was adopted by people unrelated to him, 6 weeks after his 1968 birth. I searched and found him when he was 18 in 1987. Since then, I've helped over 14,000 adoptees to reconnect with their families, without fee. My son will be 35 this year. There have been ups and downs in our relationship as there have been with others' post-adoption relationships.
On birthdays and holidays, it is difficult to find a greeting card or gift book that fits "post-adoption relationships." Most express sentiments arising from a shared history--one that adoptees and their families do not have. Yet we struggle with feelings of love, loss, happiness and confusion.
Adoption has a language all its own (apart from the terminology imposed by the system--which many of us reject--such as "birth" parent, "adoptive" parent, "illegitimate," "bastard," "can of worms" and "chosen child"). [NOTE: The term, "birth" mother was coined not by the adoption industry per se, but by psychologist Betty Jean Lifton, in her book, "Lost and Found" about 20 years ago. Lifton later stated that she has since lived to regret stigmatizing mothers. The terms "birth" mother, "birth" father, "birth" parents and "adoptive parents" were used by authors of a few poems according to adoption language at the time.]
For 5 decades of American history, adoption has been mysteriously shrouded behind a veil of secrecy. For many, the language of adoption" was expressed silently in the grief of loss, the fantasy or origins, and in passive and active searches for information and for missing family members. By joining groups of similarly situated individuals, those who share their adoption experiences began to identify similar feelings and sentiments and have "adopted" terms such as "extended family," "right to know," "reunification" and "reconciliation."
- Lori Carangelo - http://LoriCarangelo.com
Americans For Open Records (AmFOR) - http://AmFOR.net/OpenRecord
ADOPTEES
"QUESTIONS"
Adoptees always have these questions.
When you're all grown up,
can't you know who you are?
--Coco Brush, "birth" mother, CA, CocoBrush@yahoo.com
founder, "ANSWERS," ReunionANS@yahoo.com
*****
"THE JOURNEY OF THE ADOPTED SELF"
Betwixt and between, adopted "child"
never grows up. Birth certificate sealed;
secrecy and adoption go together,
secrecy the "magic broom."
Secrecy shapes and constricts,
Psychological mystery, psychological misery.
Anger cannot be disguised,
helplessness, guilt.
Alienated, unreal, invisible, unborn,
adoption ghosts hovering.
Search for identity, "Who am I?"
Endless search for meaning in this strange fate,
abandonment defines experience.
Paste on images to form a self.
We carry ourselves, dead bodies, for lifetimes.
Broken narratives, lost stories,
disconnected from the human race;
sacred stories denied.
Kill the "birth" family, oversimplify,
mourning denied.
Cosmic loneliness, cut off from the
‘narrative point of origin,' buried treasure.
Sudden, unexpected, abnormal experience
equals psychological trauma.
Survive in numb, artificial self, dissociate,
disavow that forbidden self.
Empty, unentitled to life, selfless in desire to please,
escape defective, immoral "birth" parents.
How close to the edge can you go
before you are pulled over the edge?
The forbidden self, "Bad adoptee,"
transcends, unembodied, can't be trapped.
Return to the ghost kingdom,
to young mother, happy daddy,
picnic on a blanket with baby,
in a parallel universe,
where their marriage worked.
--Marybeth Budd, adoptee, Ann Arbor, MI
from "Lizzie's Wishes" -
"The Journey of the Adopted Self" from
(inspired by Betty Jean Lifton's book,
same title)
*****
"LEGACY OF AN ADOPTED CHILD"
Once there were two women
Who did not know each other;
One you do not remember
The other you call "mother."
Two different lives,
Shaped to make yours one;
One became your guiding star,
The other became your sun.
The first gave you life,
And the second taught you to live it;
The first gave you a need for love,
And the second was there to give it.
One gave you nationality;
The other gave you a name.
One gave you the seed of talent
The other gave you an aim.
One gave you emotions;
The other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile,
The other dried your tears.
One gave you up;
It was all that she could do.
The other prayed for a child,
And was led straight to you.
And now you ask me,
Through your tears,
The age-old question,
Through the years.
Heredity or environment,
Which are you the product of?
Neither, my darling, neither,
Just two different kinds of love.
--Author Unknown
*****
"I WONDER"
I wonder if she held me
In her warm embrace.
I wonder if I ever saw
A smile upon her face.
I wonder if they took me
From her loving arms.
I wonder if I look like her
And have her many charms.
--Gen Camper, adoptee & mother
La Quinta, CA
*****
"I WONDER, TOO"
Does she know my soul is empty,
That she's missing from my heart?
Oh how I'd live to find her
So the healing can start.
I wonder if she has cried for me
As I have cried for her.
Does she ever wonder
about her little girl.
--Gen Goad, adoptee, MO
*****
"FORGIVENESS"
Forgiveness comes as slowly as Winter turns into summer,
or longer....
It's a necessary emotional process, and it's befitting.
Our parents gave us life;
Without their ability to "let go" for whatever reason,
we would not be who we are today.
There has to be a reconciliation with ourselves,
our hurt and our rage.
It's a pacifatory state we need to attain.
Passing through the pain leads to understanding.
Non-acceptance is to remain fixated.
All life eventually balances itself.
We must allow our lives to reflect healing.
--Georgianne Bone, adoptee;
founder, "New Life" adoptee support group,
San Bernadino, CA
*****
Don't treat adoptees
like cabbage patch dolls.
--Jo Glass, adoptee, MT & WA
*****
"THE PERSON I WAS MEANT TO BE"
Were I to choose another's place
Select some famed one's state of grace
I'd be a farmer, planting seeds
And grow my undeveloped deeds.
I'd till the furrows of past years,
Tear out the choking weeds of fear,
And cultivate, for all to see
The unrealized potential Me.
No other's lot seek I to claim
No other's fortune or her fame,
Nor princess crown, nor movie screen,
For in my yard the grass is green.
I'll find no feast on others' shelf,
Nut nourish within myself,
Pluck from the branches of my tree
The person I was meant to be.
They look around but not within,
Who seek to don another's skin,
While I, my quest shall be to find
The Future Me I left behind.
--Rhonda Israelove, CA
“FATE”
I shall never believe
that God plays dice with the world.
--Albert Einstein
ADOPTERS
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you.
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them
like you.
--Kahil Gibran
*****
Whoever rears an orphan,
it is though he has brought him into the world.
--The Talmud (possible origin of modern
"as born to" adoption myth)
*****
Where does the right of ownership come from?
Is it a divine right? Does it come from God?
It is merely a rule of man, is it not?
--Attorney Gerry Spence,
"How To Argue and Win Every Time," p. 88-89
*****
"HAYLEY"
Your hair, that tickles my nose,
is a different color than mine,
and your chin, quivering when you cry,
may look like someone else,
and though you don't have my eyes,
you capture me with a glance,
because I see, there deep inside,
a part of me: you have my heart.
--James M. Thompson, adopter
"Hayley"
*****
"DREAMS"
I dream of you all day
Think of you while I sleep....
Thoughts of you are always with me....
Dreaming of the day that we meet.
I wonder about the little things,
What color are your eyes?
What makes you smile?
What makes you cry?
Who do you call mommy?
And is she good to you?
I wonder do you need me....
As much as I need you?
I promise you I'm looking,
And one day soon we'll meet
Until then she'll take care of you....
And I'll see you in my dreams.
--Anonymous Adopter-To-Be,
"Dreams"
ADOPTION
"ADOPTION SPELLS"
If you think the adoption system is fair,
you haven't been paying attention.
--Author Unknown (Internet message)
For each and every child,
we'll cast a special spell.
Exchange his parents, siblings too,
and make his life a living hell.
Some may escape our wicked arms,
a pity sure, our work is foiled.
For them, divorce might do the trick;
cut kids in two, increase their pain.
Their empty lives will never heal,
nor trust restore all that was lost.
Reunions only have redeemed
what might have been.
We'll steal their birthrights,
lock them up, no one can see.
Seal records, cast away the key.
No evidence of crime;
their murdered parents' blood
will wash away
in silenced cries too faint for human ears.
It's right and fit.
--Marybeth Budd, adoptee, Ann Arbor, MI
"Adoption Spells," from
"Lizzie's Wishes"
*****
Adoption attempts to nullify blood ties.
--Mary Louise Foess, adoptee, Vassar, MI
founder, "Bonding By Blood Unlimited," MI
*****
Adoption is unhealthy for children
and other living things.
--Jess DelBalzo - DoNotAdopt@aol.com , founder,
"Adoption: Legalized Lies" & Anti-Adoption Web Ring
http://www.geocities.com/antiadoption/
*****
Love children. Adopt pets.
--Jess DelBalzo - DoNptAdopt@aol.com , founder,
"Adoption: Legalized Lies" & Anti-Adoption Web Ring
http://www.geocities.com/antiadoption /
*****
One sure measure
of the mind and heart of any society
is how it treats its children.
--Introduction to "Orphan Trains,"
a PBS Cable TV Special
*****
For ye have not received
the spirit of bondage again to fear;
But ye have received the spirit of adoption,
whereby we cry Abba, Father.
--Romans 8:15, The Bible (New Testament)
*****
Voluntary relinquishment is a myth.
--Hal Aigner, adoptee and journalist,
San Francisco Chronicle
*****
Adoption loss is the only trauma in the world
where the victims are expected by the whole of society
to be grateful.
--Anonymous
*****
The young woman with poor self-esteem and low assertiveness
might take decades or forever to drop her denial
and collusion with the beliefs pedaled by the [adoption] agency.
--Geoff Rickarby, MB BS FRANZCP RANSCP MANZCP
New South Wales Parliament Committee Inquiry Into Past Adoption Practices
*****
Adoption will never be the same as long as "birth" mothers of the past have their loud
say about how it is practiced. The intense trauma of their experience has been
boiling under the surface of their lives for many years and they will never again be
silenced.
--Anonymous
*****
Appono Astos
We are opposed to cunning and deceit.
-Celtic translation of Crop Circle message
*****
Adoption is a form of colonialism
--Jean Paton, MA/MSW,
author, "The Adopted Break Silence"
founder, The Open Records Movement,
and Anti-Adoption Movement,
since 1953
http://www.geocities.com/orphanvoyage1953/memorials.html
*****
Closed adoption is malpractice.
--Reuben Pannor, MSW, LCSW, CA
*****
Closed adoption is institutionalized denial.
--Nancy Murray, LCSW, Placement Supervisor,
"The Whole Family," CO
*****
Adoption is geopolitical mass child stealing.
--Eugene Austin, family rights activist
since 1963 - eaustin@ncfcomm.com
*****
Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be strangers.
--Jess DelBalzo - DoNotAdopt@aol.com, founder,
founder, "Adoption: Legalized Lies" & Anti-Adoption Web Ring
http://www.geocities.com/antiadoption/
*****
Illegal foreign adoption: shortcut to immigration.
--Shoneen Gervich, "adoptive mother," CA
*****
The human soul is difficult to interfere with--
You hesitate how far you should go.
--Loring Brace, who initiated the Orphan Trains
in America
*****
Playing God is God's job--not agency workers.
--Linda Arteman-Wilshusen,
relinquishing mother & adopter NE
ADOPTION ACTIVISTS
If the system doesn't make you angry,
you haven't been paying attention.
--Internet Post, Author Unknown
“THAT SMALL NOISEY GROUP”
[a phrase coined by Bill Pierce, National Council
For Adoption, referring to Adoption Activists]
It does not require a majority to prevail
but rather an irate, tireless minority
keen to set brush fires in people's minds.
-Samuel Adams
*****
There are a thousand hacking at the branches of evil
to one who is striking at the root.
--Henry David Thoreau
*****
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world;
the unreasonable man persists in trying to adapt
the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends
on the unreasonable man.
--George Bernard Shaw
*****
Only a life lived for others
is a life worthwhile....
Without deep reflection
one knows from daily life
that one exists for other people.
--Albert Einstein
*****
“UNPOPULAR VIEWS”
I'd rather run the risk of being disliked for what I believe
than being liked for what people think I believe.
-Ted Koppel, MSNBC-TV, 10/6/00
*****
"Forced groups are invariably less efficient
than free groups working for the common good."
--L. Ron Hubbard
"Dianetics,” p. 188
*****
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful,
committed citizens can change the world;
indeed it is the only thing that ever has.
--Margaret Mead
*****
Why was Rachel Carson concerned about
the future of children?
She didn't have any children?
--Author Unknown
*****
The way a visionary works--he moves on,
but he leaves a lot of ideas behind.
It's like science fiction.
Someone writes about a world but they
don't actually create it.
They leave a map for others to follow...
I like options....
You're as young as the last time you
changed your mind.
--Timothy Leary, quoted in
"Timothy Leary Celebrates Dying,"
Los Angeles Times, 2-28-95
*****
All things are possible until they are
proved impossible--and even the impossible
may only be so, as of now.
--Pearl S. Buck, "adoptive mother" &
1930's newspaper columnist who advocated
"forever separating unwed mother from her child."
*****
You must do the things you think you cannot do.
--Eleanor Roosevelt
*****
Timing is everything.
--Leah Rae, Bob Hope's fist leading lady
*****
“VALUES”
Never let your sense of morals
get in the way of
doing what is right.
--Isaac Asimov
Everything I did in my life
that was worthwhile
I caught hell for.
--Chief Justice Earl Warren
“VICES”
The problem with people
who have no vices
is that generally you can be pretty sure
they're going to have
some pretty annoying virtues.
--Elizabeth Taylor
You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it.
--Margaret Thatcher, Prime Minister of Great Britain
*****
The word "impossible" is not in my dictionary.
--Napolean Bonaparte
*****
If you think you can, you can,
and if you think you can't, you're right.
--Mary Ash, President, Mary Kay Cosmetics
*****
Remember, no matter where you go, there you are.
--Urban Cubbage, cubbage@pobox.com
ANGER
I'm red in the face
My hands are clenched in tight fists
Fists formed by the past
A past filled with hate
Expected to forget
The unjustifying crimes
I clench my fists
Taken from the Gold Coast
Like property, not people
Families, sold apart
Angry mothers cry for their children
"Freedom" denied til the Emancipation
Still divided I clench my fists
I'm more bruised, I'm beaten
I've died many times, but my fists keep me alive
My fists swell and explode
The past pours out of me
The pain of my people
My fists...my expression
I empty my rage
The blood drains from my face
I rise...
Up through the anger.
-by Brian Hoyer, Julia Schafer and
Vicky Hoehn
CENSORSHIP
First among priorities of a free press
was exposing the secrets of government.
--U.S. Supreme Court Justice Hugo Black,
as quoted by Bob Woodward and Scott Armstrong
in "The Brethren," p. 171
*****
There is a right to receive information,
regardless of its social worth,
regardless of its obscenity.
--U.S. Supreme Court Justice Thoms Brennan,
as quoted by Bob Woodward and Scott Armstrong
in "The Brethren" p. 299
CHILDREN
The child is on the unkind receiving end
of all the dramatizations of his parents.
--L. Ron Hubbard, in
"Dianetics," p. 189
*****
A child's "best interests"
are not served by special interests.
--Arthur Sorosky, MD, UCLA, 1989
*****
“HOW CHILDREN LIVE”
If children live with criticism,
they learn to condemn
If children live with hostility,
they learn to fight,
If children live with fear,
they learn to be apprehensive,
If children live with pity,
they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule,
they learn to be shy.
If children live with jealously,
they learn what envy is.
If children live with shame,
they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with TOLERANCE,
they learn to be PATIENT.
If children live with ENCOURAGEMENT,
they learn to be CONFIDENT.
If children live with PRAISE,
they learn to APPRECIATE.
If children live with APPROVAL,
they learn to BE THEMSELVES.
If children live with ACCEPTANCE,
they learn to find LOVE.
If children live with SHARING,
they learn to be GENEROUS.
If children live with HONESTY and FAIRNESS,
they learn what TRUTH and JUSTICE are.
If children live with SECURITY,
they learn to have FAITH in themselves and others.
If children live with FRIENDLINESS,
they learn that the world is a NICE place in which to live.
If children live with SERENITY,
they learn to have PEACE OF MIND.
*****
Don't cry, it's just your whole life changing
the past is gone
the future not yet formed
and this fleeting you right now
poised tiptoe at the edge of the bluff
leaning forward, spreading your wings
ready to pause a moment
don't forget you
suddenly this essential you
it is not the leap
it is the courage
it is the will
remember your will
remember your love
remember your courage
remember your intense craving for life
daring to give and get trust and love
don't forget
you are more than what you do
remember you
now jump!
--Jacke, relinquishing mother, CA
CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE
Every immoral law must be disobeyed.
--Dr. Jack Kervorkian, "right to die" activist
CONTRACTS
There is an implied covenant of "good faith" in every contract.
--Carangelo v. O'Neill/State of Connecticut
U.S. District Court of Connecticut, 1990
*****
She signed a piece of paper, didn't she?
Well, so did slave sellers; so did indentured servants
who virtually sold themselves into slavery for a term of years;
so did long-ago impoverished parents who sold their daughters
into brothels. And every day in this country,
contracts are entered into for drug deals, murders for hire,
arson, insurance scams, illegal gambling, and, yes, child selling
....A deal is a deal, right Your Honor?
--Richard H. Rosichan, in his letter to the editor,
commenting on the "Baby M" Surrogacy Case and quoting
Judge Sorkow "A deal is a deal,"
New York Times, 4-4-87
DENIAL
I forgave my father who raped me.
But I denied the man who held my redemption.
If we walk only on sunny days,
we never reach our destination
but remain between Heaven and Earth.
--Oliver Stone
"Heaven and Earth," Chap. 1
“EXISTENCE”
There's something in us
that wants the world to know
we existed.
“HAPPINESS”
Happiness is good health
and bad memory
--Ingrid Bergman
FAMILY
"IMMEDIATE FAMILY"
The worldwide Mormon Family History Center defines
"Immediate family" as: one's grandparents, parents,
brothers, sisters, spouse, children and grandchildren;
in-laws are extended family--as aunts, uncles and cousins.
--Abigail Van Buren, syndicated newspaper columnist, in
"Dear Abby," Los Angeles Times, 5-30-92
*****
Everyone on this planet is separated by only six people....
but how to find the right six people.....
--John Guare,
"Six Degrees of Separation" - play made into a movie
FATHERS
Becoming a father is easy enough
But being one can be rough.
--Wilhelm Busch, 1877, in
"Julchen"
*****
It is a wise father that knows his own child.
--William Shakespeare, 1596-7, in
"The Merchant of Venice"
*****
O heavens! this is my true-begotten father.
--William Shakespeare, 1596-7, in
"The Merchant of Venice" II, ii, 36
*****
‘Tis a happy thing to be the father unto many sons.
--William Shakespeare, 1591, in
"King Henry the Sixth," Part III, ii, 104
*****
For rarely are sons similar to their fathers;
most are worse, and a few are better than their fathers.
--Homer, c. 700 B.C., in
"The Odyssey," Bk I, 1, 276
FEAR
Men fear thought as they fear nothing else on earth--
more than ruin, more than even death.
--Bertrand Russell
*****
Do what you fear
and the fear goes away.
--Ralph Waldo Emerson
*****
Paranoia strikes deep;
Into your life it will creep.
--Buffalo Springfield
*****
It's when you run away
you're most likely to stumble.
--Ernest Hemingway
FREEDOM
At every stage in social development,
freedom has to be re-conquered.
--Sir Lewis Namier
*****
Religious Persecution
Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully
as when they do it from religious conviction.
-Blaise Pascal, philosopher/mathematician (1623-1662)
GENEALOGY
[Fact: The Ellis Island Immigrant Web-site
had 8-million visitors in its first 8 hours.
The average person spends $700 annually on genealogy. I believe my research has
made me a more complete person.
--Elizabeth Bernstein, columnist, Wall Street Journal,
in an interview on MSNBC-TV, 6/15/01
IDENTITY
In the Old Testament. the phase "I will blot out their names"
(to erase their identity...as though they had never existed)
is a more powerful threat even than physical death.
--Dr. Rollo May,
"Man's Search for Himself," WW Norton & Co, 1953, p. 92
*****
....my reflection stares back and tells nothing
no secrets revealed,
The things it seems I should know,'the suffered anguish,
a memory of almost....
my mother's hair....
the eyes of my father
seen but not remembered,
I am an echo of the past,
a moment in time between two people,
an embrace, held for all time,
in all that is left,
me....
--Victoria Santiago, adoptee
"Identity"
*****
A Counterfeit--A Plated Person--
I would not be--
Whatever the strata of Iniquity
My Nature underlie--
Truth is good Health--and Safety, and the Sky--
How meagre, what an Exile--is a Lie--
And Vocal--when we die.
--Emily Dickinson, 1879
*****
O Romeo, Romeo!
wherefore art thou Romeo?
Deny thy father, and refuse thy name;
or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,
And I'll no longer be a Capulet.
What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet.
--William Shakespeare
"Romeo and Juliet," II, ii, 33 & 43
ILLEGITIMATES
There are no illegitimate children--only illegitimate parents.
--in a decision by Judge Leon R. Yanwich, June 1928,
U.S. District Court, Southern District of California,
quoting jurist O.O. McIntyre, and later paraphrased by
U.S. Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
*****
Why bastard? Wherefore base?
When my dimensions are as well compact,
My mind as generous, and my shape as true,
As honest madam's issue? Bastardy? base, base?
....Now gods, stand up for bastards!
--William Shakespeare
"King Lear," Act 1, Scene 4
*****
The child is different
not because he is illegitimate,
but because he is fatherless
and he is going to miss a father
in the same way that nay child
who loses a father early
through death or separation
misses him.
--Lena Jeger, in the Foreword to
"Illegitimate Children and Their Parents," 1951
*****
Without law, no little souls,
fresh from God, would be branded illegitimate
as soon as they reach the earth.
--Elbert Green Hubbard, aka Fra Elbertus
Roycroft Press
*****
Ever since I can remember,
I was taught that Jesus was the natural son of Mary,
and the adopted son of God--
But that is wrong!
Jesus was the natural son of Mary,
the step-son of Joseph,
and the illegitimate son of God! Think about it!
--Mrs. Colby Bell
JUSTICE
What is more important than justice....
though the Heavens may fall.
--Jim Garrison,
on the killing of John F. Kennedy
*****
Remember, the law is like the Bible.
You can find something that says anything
if you look long enough.
--Eugene Austin, eaustin@ncfcomm.com
family rights activist since 1963
MARRIAGE
If they only married when they fell in love,
most people would die unwed.
--Robert Louis Balfour Stevenson
"Virginia Puerisque," Chap. 1
MOTHERS
" 'BIRTH’ MOTHER”
(first published in "Treasures To Discover"
by International Library of Poetry, 2000)
They took you to another home
Intending to forever separate us;
For a moment, again our hearts met.
Then you moved on.
Whether in this life or the next,
We will meet again, my child,
And in that place,
Again love will come home.
--Lori Carangelo, mother- http://LoriCarangelo.com
founder, Americans For Open Records (AmFOR)
anti-adoption pioneer since 1969
*****
Adoption aborts the mother.
--Author Unknown
*****
"Mother" can be a very loaded word.
You may experience anything
from pleasure to grief to anger to guilt to nothing.
The first thing to remember is that whatever experience you had
was triggered by a word.
--Author Unknown
*****
Being a mother is a noble status, right?
So why does it change
when you put ‘unwed' or ‘welfare' in front of it?
--Gloria Steinem, founder, Feminist Party, 1971; quoted in
"The Verbal Karate of Florynce R. Kennedy," MS Magazine
*****
"A PRISON WITHOUT BARS"
My son was born a miracle, a life that God created.
But I was required to give away this child so long awaited.
No gray stone walls, no steel barred cell
could have imprisoned me so well
as the iron grip of grinding grief
that keeps me locked in pain.
--Author Unknown
*****
"LIZZIE'S WISHES"
I want to be there
for the whole trip, to see you grow up
and marry, have children of your own.
I want to bake your favorite pies,
sew your dresses and shirts,
read you my favorite books,
see your teenaged years.
I want to tell you stories
of your grandparents, while peeling
and slicing apples, rolling out the dough,
sprinkling cinnamon, sugar and raisins....
....I want to sit on the front porch
and watch you chase fireflies,
tuck you into bed each night
with prayer and bedtime stories.
Instead I watch the stars
snow falls on my quilt.
Instead I give up wishing
all earthly desire subsides,
with it, pain, anguish, despair.
Too soon I join the stars,
watch my daughter bake pies,
rad to my grandchildren,
pass on my wishes with my life.
--Marybeth Budd, adoptee - Mbuddafrog@aol.com
"Lizzie's Wishes" title-poem from her book,
"Lizzie's Wishes"
*****
"THEY SAID"
they said i had to go to a home for unwed mothers
the never asked me what i wanted to do
they said my baby should have a mother and a father
they never gave me a choice to help me see it through
they said the line in my belly would disappear
they never mentioned the wound in my heart
they said go on with your life and pretend it didn't happen
they never told me i would grieve all the years we're apart
they said i should be happy now that i'm free
they never admit my flesh and blood has been amputated from me
they said i could get married; other children would call me mother
they never said one person does not replace another
they aid why, she has a good life
they never listen to how the paid of not knowing cutes like a knife
they aid it's against the law to search and find her
they never knew this was my heart's desire
they aid she's still young and has other things on her mind
they say you're getting older, you've been waiting a long time
they said she has children she'll want to know me
they never concede i missed sharing her life;
she never sat on my knee
they said if i loved my baby i'd sign the paper and leave that day
she said, don't tell me you love me--you gave me away.
--Sheila Ganz, "birth" mother, CA - sganz@hotmail.com
founder, Bay Area Birthmothers Association
"they said"
*****
"LITTLE DID YOU KNOW (MAYBE)"
Little did you know
................................hoping for the best
when you gave that baby away
................................let God provide
how perfect a creature
................................maybe they'll adopt her
can grow up
................................I'll get on
poisoned by grief
................................with my life
and anger.
Not for one second
...............................maybe
children escape
...............................break the spell
parents' sins
...............................maybe
a vast difference
...............................she'll have
between two parents
...............................a better
and one
...............................life
and none.
--Marybeth Budd, adoptee, Ann Arbor, MI
"Little Did You Know (Maybe)" from
"Lizzie's Wishes"
I keep you in my prayers, and always will....
Till the day you die.
And when the time comes,
that you and I should leave this world and enter the next,
I will see you there and we will both be free.
--Sandra Wilson, relinquishing mother, AL
quoted by M.S. Marvin
*****
When a girl is under 21, she's protected by law;
When she's over 65, she's protected by Nature;
Anything in between is fair game.
--Cary Grant, in the movie, "Operation Petticoat"
*****
"ONLY A LOVE SONG"
I know there is a reason
That we have been growing apart
But choosing to love you forever
I've chosen for growth in my hart
This is only a love song, my daughter
If it be as it is now
That you must be hidden from view
I pray that these loving strains
Find a way to you
If I could see you growing
I'd only be happier then
And how can I tell you I love you
If I cannot see you again
I want your heart to blossom
I pray that your spirit accept
The love that creation will show you
Much more love will come to you yet
I have left my life open
If you want to see me again
I'm hoping that one day I'll see you
And praying we'll grow as true friends.
-Imelda Buckley
"Only A Love Song"
*****
And when she could no longer hide him,
she took him an ark of bulrushes,
and daubed it with slime and with pitch,
and put the child therein;
and she laid it in the flags by the river's brink.
--Exodus 2:3, The Bible
*****
Probably the most stressful and anxiety-provoking act
in human existence is the separation of a woman from
her newborn infant. The response to this, which humans
share with most of the animal kingdom, is an
overwhelming combination of panic, rage, distress.
Who can dare judge the psychological acts and responses
of a woman put to such a test? In the present-day
United States, what psychologist can claim to have
experience with women subject to that experience.
--A.P. Rushkin, MD, in his letter to the editor,
New York Times, 4-20-87
*****
The reality is that my mother
was not that great of a mother,
But is it better to have a mother that's flawed,
or to have no mother?
In hindsight, it's better to have had a mother.
--Ernie Allen, President,
National Center for Missing & Exploited Children
*****
"REUNION OF A MOTHER AND SON"
Giving you up wasn't easy to do,
All I wanted was the best for you.
The tears fell as I gave you away,
My heart was breaking and the pain would stay.
You have always been close to me,
Not in person, but in my heart you'd be.
As the days turned into years,
I couldn't be there to calm your fears.
You may not realize what you've done for me,
My heart is healing as it should be.
Thank you for all of your love,
I also thank the Good Lord above.
Just remember I'm here for you,
To talk to or just visit me too.
You've given me more than I ever thought,
Thank you, Paul, I love you a lot.
--Annette McCloud-Dowl
"Reunion of a Mother and Son"
[WOMEN'S QUOTES]
For an extensive collection of online quotes
for women, go to
http://www.harley.com/womens-quotes/
ORPHANS
I was born to a woman I never knew
and raised by another who took in orphans.
I do not know my background, my lineage,
my biological or cultural heritage.
But when I meet someone new,
I treat them with respect.
For, after all, they could be my people.
--James Michener
*****
I, who was borne away to become an orphan,
carry my parents with me.
So he groaned aloud in the ship and hid his drum and laughed.
--Zora Neale Hurston
"Jonah's Gourd," 1934
*****
An orphan weeps; a bitter person talks a lot.
--Yiddish Proverb
*****
He has a unique plan for the orphan in history.
--Esther 2:15, The Bible
*****
When my mother died I was very young,
And my father sold me while yet my tongue
Could scarcely cry "wee! weep! weep!
So your chimneys I sweep, and in soot I sleep.
--William Blake, 1783
"The Chimney Sweeper," St. 1
*****
He is pleased when nations and people treat the orphan justly.
--Jeremiah 5:28, The Bible
*****
Having someplace to go is home;
Having someone to love is family;
Having both is a blessing.
--Anonymous
*****
PARENTING
You spend the first half of your life
trying to make your parents proud of you;
Then you spend the second half of your life
trying to make your kids proud of you.
--Neil Simon, playwrite
PSYCHOLOGICAL
The beginning and end of "child psychology"
is that a child is a human being,
that he is entitled to his dignity and self-determination.
--L. Ron Hubbard
"Dianetics," p. 189
*****
Emotional illness can be said to be caused by
the inability to forgive.
It isn't the trauma that causes the illness;
it's the repression of the trauma.
--John Bradshaw
"Our Families, Ourselves"
*****
Psychiatry is a form of social engineering.
--Jean Paton, MA, MSW, adoptee,
author, "The Adopted Break Silence,"
founder, "The Open Records Movement," and
"Anti-Adoption Movement" in the U.S., since 1953
*****
Psychiatry is full of technical terms,
and if a criminal is rich enough,
he generally finds experts to qualify his state of mind
with a sufficient number of technical terms
to over-awe those used to scrutinizing authorities
and their discretionary powers.
--Morris R. Cohen, 1931
*****
Depression is really anger against yourself.
--Art Buchwald
*****
People are unreasonable, illogical and self-centered;
Love them anyway.
If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do Good anyway.
If you are successful, you will will false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.
What you spent your years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.
People really need help but may attack you if you help them.
Help people anyway.
Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
--Mother Theresa
*****
Twenty-five years ago,
being crazy meant something.
Nowadays, everyone is crazy.
--Charles Manson
RELATIONSHIPS
Human beings are social animals;
Isolation is one of the worst punishments.
--Author Unknown
*****
To love and be loved
is to feel the sun from both sides.
--David Viscott, MD
*****
Kind words can be short and easy to speak,
but their echoes are truly endless.
--Mother Teresa
*****
Everybody is somebody.
--Author Unknown
The reality is that, after divorce,
families continue to be families.
While structure changes for most people,
especially those with children,
the bonds of kinship remain.
--Constance R. Abrons and Roy H. Rodgers
"Meeting the Challenge of Divorce & Remarriage" 1987
*****
Life is a journey; enjoy the ride;
be kind along the way.
--Lori Carangelo, mother
founder, Americans For Open Records (AmFOR)
*****
Nobody gets to know nobody.
We're all sentences to solitary confinement
within our own bodies.
--Tennessee Williams
"Orpheus Descending"
*****
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back to you, it's yours.
If it doesn't, it never was.
--Author Unknown
RIGHT TO KNOW
Isn't people wanting to know their origins
more important than people not wanting to know
their own offspring?
Don't the original parents have a moral obligation
to acknowledge their own kids?
--Penny Partridge, adoptee, adopter,
activist of open adoption records
*****
I know of no safe depository
of the ultimate powers of society
but the people themselves.
And if we think them not enlightened enough
to exercise their control with a wholesome discretion,
the remedy is not to take it from them,
but to inform their discretion.
--Thomas Jefferson, who fathered children
by his slave, Sally Hemmings
*****
Sealed records are a from of child abuse.
--Sharon Kaplan, BSW, MS, adopter,
"Parenting Resources," Tustin, CA
*****
Adoptee rights are human rights.
--Lori Carangelo, mother,
founder, Americans For Open Records (AmFOR)
*****
A right is not a right, in America,
unless it extends to all Americans.
--Archibald Cox, Special Prosecutor, Watergate
*****
Our governments play games with adults.
--Judith Brans, adoptee,
founder, Parent Finders, Ontario, Canada
*****
I believe it is better to tell the truth than a lie.
I believe it is better to be free than a slave.
And I believe it is better to know than to be ignorant.
--H.L. Mencken, newspaper mogul
*****
It is better to know nothing,
than to know it ain't so.
--Josh Billings, aka Henry Wheeler Shaw, 1874
*****
Love if not a felony. So open records.
--Emily Bernhardt, adoptee, CA
*****
Know Thyself.
--Inscription of the Delphi Oracle
SEARCHING
It is the nature of man to find people one is connected to by birth.
The Italians have a saying: "Blood seeks blood."
--Lorraine Dusky
"Birthmark"
*****
“IMPOSSIBLE”
Most of the things worth doing in this world
had been declared impossible before they were done.
-Louis D. Brandeis, U.S. Supreme Court Justice
*****
You don't have to choose between two families....
You just have a bigger family.
--Successful searcher, San Francisco Chronicle, 11-19-78
*****
“OBSTACLES”
We who lived in the concentration camps can remember the men who walked
through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a
man but one thing: The last of his freedoms — to choose one's attitude in any given
set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.
-Victor E. Frankl, "Man's Search for Meaning"
*****
When one door is shut, another opens.
--Miguel De Cervantes
*****
“THE PAST”
Our scars have the power
to revisit our pasts.
--Anonymous
The past isn't dead;
it isn't even past.
--William Faulkner
*****
"ERASED"
An empty blackboard stands alone;
they erased who I was and have me a new home.
Liquid paper where my life used to be;
how could they take that away from me?
Did they really believe I'd never question
what they gave me as a definition
of the person I was supposed to become,
and never look back on where I came from?
Where does one really draw the line
on how much past you can leave behind?
They expect of us what they themselves could not do.
Despite what they say, I am searching--
Wouldn't you?
--Karen Joiner, adoptee
"Erased"
SECRECY
All sins are committed in secrecy.
The moment we realize that
God witnessed our thoughts
We shall be free.
--Harijan of Mahatma Gandi, 1939
*****
Indeed, the truth shall set you free.
--Jeremiah 10:19 and John 8:3; The Bible
*****
The young men of this land are not,
as they are often called, a "lost" race--
they are a race that never yet has been discovered.
And the whole secret. power, and knowledge
of their discovery in locked within them--
they know it, feel it,
have the whole thing in them--
and they cannot utter it.
--Thomas Wolfe, 1939
"The Web on the Rock," Chap. 13
*****
Before I built a wall I'd ask to know
What I was walling in or walling out,
And to whom I was like to give offense.
Something there is that doesn't love a wall,
That wants to tear it down.
--Robert Frost,
"The Mending Wall"
*****
Agencies and lawyers arrange;
Daddy signs if mommy disappears.
Orphaned or not, find them a home.
Parents rearrange, interchange.
Tunnels of time, travel back and forth.
Institutions decide human affairs.
On with your life or repeat parents' mistakes?
Not knowing nightmares; blood sucking
deception sealed.
--Marybeth Budd, adoptee, Ann Arbor, MI
"Under Lock and Key," from "Lizzie's Wishes"
*****
There is not a crime,
there is not a vice,
which does not live
in secrecy.
Get these things out
in the open,
describe them,
attack them,
ridicule them in the press
and sooner or later
public opinion will
sweep them away.
--John Pulitzer
*****
Secrecy in government
has become synonymous,
in the public mind,
with deception in government.
--Lawton Mainor Charles, Jr.,
U.S. Senator, 1971-1988,
Christian Science Monitor, 11-4-75
*****
Secrecy,.being an instrument of conspiracy,
ought never to be the system of a regular government.
--Jeremy Bentham, English philosopher
*****
As awareness increases,
the need for personal secrecy
almost proportionately decreases.
--Charlotte Painter with MaryJane Moffett, 1974
"Revelations: Diaries of Women" in the Afterword
*****
Secrecy and a free, democratic government don't mix.
--Merle Miller
"Plain Speaking: An Oral Biography of Harry S. Truman"
*****
If you combine lying and secrecy,
and if you also bring in violence,
then I think a republic can die.
I don't think it's possible
for citizens to have much of an effect
if they literally don't know what's going on.
--Sissela Bok, quoted in
"A World of Ideas," Bill Moyers Special Report, 1989
*****
Everybody knows that corruption thrives n secret places....
and we believe it a fair presumption
that secrecy means impropriety.
--Thomas Woodrow Wilson
*****
Cruelty has a human interest,
And Jealousy a human face;
Terror, the human form divine,
And Secrecy, the human dress.
--William Blake,
"Songs of Experience: A Divine Image." S. 1, 1794
*****
No more secrets, no more lies!"
--Ginni D. Snodgrass, adoptee, OR;
Activist for open records
SIBLINGS
"SPECIAL LOVE"
You are a dream I never dared dream
You are the wish I could not say
You are the make-believe friend
who shared my lonely room
Shared so many tea parties
So many secrets I told you
Never in my little girl heart
Could I have imagined
You were real
You were wishing the same wishes
You were dreaming the same dreams
You were having the same tea party
You told me your secrets
Now we have that special love
That love that only sisters know
The love was just a silent
Wish kept deep in our little
girl hearts....
The love of a sister.
--Author Unknown
"Special Love" - "For My Sister Michelle"
*****
“DISCOVERING A BROTHER”
Which of us has known his brother?
Which of us has looked into his father’s heart?
Which of us has not remained forever prison-pent?
Which of us is not forever a stranger and alone?
--Thomas Wolfe (1900-1973)
“The Web and the Rock”
*****
“SISTERS”
A sister always knows
when to listen
and when to talk,
when to laugh
and when to cry.
--Anonymous
SUPPORT GROUPS
We used to live in tribes.
And when there was a natural disaster
the tribe would sit around a fire and tell the story.
--Gloria Steinem, publisher, Ms. Magazine,
founder, Feminist Party. 1971
*****
Remember, we all stumble,
every one of us.
That's why it's a comfort
to go hand in hand.
--Emily Kimbrough
*****
“VIEWS”
We don't see things as they are,
We see them as we are.
-Anais Nin
SURROGATES
Sarah suggested that Abraham impregnate Hagar in order
"that I may obtain children by her," but Hagar was a slave.
What's modern about this story is that, once pregnant,
Hagar, like Marybeth Whitehead, seemed to think the child
was hers....no matter what anyone said....
--Katha Pollitt, quoted in
"The Nation"
*****
"Surrogacy is adoption; adoption is surrogacy."
--Attorney Sharon DeAngelo, CA
*****
What the [Supreme] Court really did was rule that
a human soul is more important than a contract,
and that Judge Sorkow's philosophy that
"a deal is a deal" is wrong
when the deal involves the selling of a human being.
Seven to zero wrong.
--A.M. Rosenthal, commenting on the decision in
"Baby M" Surrogacy case, Washington Post, 2-20-87
*****
Are the cards stacked against her? You bet.
The Sterns, with high-powered legal advice,
were able to secure temporary custody.
They got the baby from the mother with a court order
while the mother didn't even have a lawyer....
and possession is none-tenths the law.
--Judy Mann, commenting on
"Baby M" Surrogacy Case, Washington Post, 2-20-87
TRUTH
Truth....never comes into the world but like a bastard,
to the ignominy of him who brought her firth.
--John Milton, in the Introduction to
"The Doctrine of Discipline and Divorce," 1643
